I have done everything You have asked of me. I have pushed hard, I have endured, and I have persevered. I have nothing left to give. Where are you? What happened to you? Where did you disappear to? I mean, I know that You are there, but I don’t feel You. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I turn You off? I closed my ears to everything they said about You and against You. I shut my senses from their mocking me for believing in You and for trusting in You, my Rock and my Salvation.
Now I am drained, and they are still laughing and jeering at me. What God, they ask! Stop fooling and deceiving yourself, they say! He doesn’t exist, they rant! How long will You be gone for? Or are You still there, just silent, waiting for me to learn the lesson in this new experience? I know You allow challenges to make me stronger. I know You allow problems to give me courage. I know you allow darkness to give me wisdom. I know You allow confusion to give me understanding. I know You allow hate to turn into love in me. I am looking up to You, my Shield and my Refuge, the God in whom I put my trust, my hope, my faith and my heart! But I want to bow my head down now. I am deflated. I am depleted. I am all emptied out. I am beat!
I feel Your fire burn inside of me, but my body is fatigued. I feel the light of my spirit soaring in me but my mind is exhausted. I feel Your Grace carrying me through, but my soul is bent over. I feel purpose yearning inside me, but I cannot take another step.
Where are You? I think I want to stop now. I think I want to give up now. I think I want all the lights to go out. I think I want all the voices to go away. To the Rock that is higher than I, I think You should come rescue me now! I am unfulfilled, lost and clueless without You. I don’t want my own wisdom, I want Yours. I don’t want my own strength, I want Yours. I don’t want my own understanding, I want Yours. I don’t want my demons and vices, I want Your deliverance!
I will try again. I will shut out the temptations that beckon to me with their easy way out. Your way may be difficult and trying, but I will wait for You, the Rock that is higher than I. Because I know You. You are true. I have seen and heard you before, and I have been lifted by You. You are real to me! You have healed me and fulfilled me before. You have brought me out of dark dungeons of pain, depression and trauma. You have done so before and you will do it again, and again, and again. Because that is who You are and that is what You do! Every second, every hour, every day, every week, every month and every year, You pour out Your unconditional love.
So here I am, Rock that is higher than I. Here I am, waiting for You, looking up to You, to reach me in the place where only You can. Here I sit waiting for You to revive me in the way that only You can. I long for You and Your Divine Presence that makes me whole again. I wait for You and only You, Rock that is higher than I. Don’t keep me waiting any longer, for I am weak. I am parched.
Fill me! Deliver me! Empower me!